So you think you know me?

This is a copy of a journal type e-mail I wrote to somebody recently. Thought you might be interested to have a read but be warned, it is very revealing about some of the inner-workings of my mind!!!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson / Nelson Mandela

So I realise that my playing small does not serve the world, in fact I know all of these truths in my head - I understand my worth in God and the purpose that He has for my life and I've seen the impact that someone else can have on me just because they've chosen to let go of their fears; it is truly liberating for me to be around them. And quite frankly, I become a little envious - I want to be the one that sets other people free, that empowers those around me.
As I was thinking about how this makes me feel and chatting it over with a few people, the train of thought that I always seemed to come to was the fact that I am afriad to step outside of my box. If you talk to most people that know me they would say that I am able to use my initiative which I would agree with. But it feels as though I'm only able to use my initiative when someone has given me permission to do so. I'm afraid that if I use my initiative and do what I think is best in a certain situation, that I won't be smart enough, bold enough or have the authority to actually make it happen.
Take hosting for example. I love it. And I'm good at it. I have had people tell me that I'm good at it but I also recognise that I'm good at it. And that gives me the courage to take charge in pretty much any hosting situation. And because I know what I'm doing and I understand the vision behind what we do, I feel able to release and encourage others to excel in their different positions. But transfer this to setting up my own ministry, or running a church or proposing marriage and I withdraw. I trust that God knows what He's doing, I just don't trust myself - that I have what it takes to bring to a level of excellence what I desire to do.
I don't want to do anything for God that is substandard and as a result I guess I struggle to grow because previously I've only ever wanted to walk into a position that already exists. The thought of creating a position around myself to the point where people wonder how we ever did without it is fantastic to me in theory....very scary and seemingly unreachable to me in practice.
I look at the end of this year, at leaving college and creating a 'life' so to speak. I know what I would love to do - to plant myself in a great church and to have at least a part-time position within that church, to learn to drive, to have my own place and to begin to pursue setting up the ministry that God has put in my heart to help the poor. I love vision; of knowing in my head how I want things. And when I listen to preachers like Erwin McMannus I get really excited because I look at life and think "God has created me to use my initiative and just to run after what I believe He has put in my heart". But then I get scared. I think, "What if that which is in my heart is not from God? And if it is, what if it's not for now but for later on?" And with thoughts of proposing and getting married I wonder if it's too good to be true etc. I don't know if you heard much of John Bevere at Conference but when he spoke about fulfilling the actual call of God rather than the call of God we think we've heard, it's that kind of thing that gets me spooked.
So yeah, that's prety much where I'm upto...I know my potential, I just don't always believe it or trust it!

I wonder if you can see all of this just by looking at me...I'd be interested to know!